Blended families and estate planning — the complications nobody planned for

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

You probably didn't grow up in a blended family, or maybe you did and that's exactly why you know how complicated this gets. Your parent got remarried, or they're in a committed relationship with someone who isn't married to them. Maybe it was when you were young and you adjusted. Maybe it was when you were already grown and it felt strange. Either way, there's another person in your parent's life now, and that person has a stake in your parent's finances, your parent's care, and your parent's death.

This is not a judgment. Blended families are normal. Lots of people get remarried or find partners later in life. But estate planning in a blended family is complicated in ways that estate planning in a traditional family just isn't. You have step-siblings who might not be your siblings in the legal sense. You have a step-parent who might or might not have been kind to you. You have financial interests that might or might not overlap with theirs. You have a parent who loves the new partner and wants to take care of them, and you might have your own questions about whether that's the right choice.

The law doesn't make this easy. In most states, if your parent dies without a will, the surviving spouse gets a big chunk of the estate. That might mean the money goes to the new partner instead of to you. That might be what your parent wants, or it might be a disaster. Either way, it's something you need to think about now, before it happens.

The conversations about estate planning in a blended family are harder than they are in other families. There's history, maybe hurt feelings, maybe old resentments. There's the question of fairness, which means different things to different people. There's the question of loyalty. There's the question of what happens to your parent's stuff, which doesn't sound like it should be as loaded as it actually is.

But these conversations matter. They matter because money gets messy, and blended families make money messier. They matter because without clear documents, people make assumptions. They matter because your parent's wishes need to be clear, not implied. And they matter because if the wishes aren't clear, the fighting starts, and lawyers get richer.

Understanding Your Parent's Situation

Start with what your parent has and what your parent owes. Is your parent's house owned in their name alone, or with the new partner? If it's with the new partner, your parent might not be able to leave it to you even if they wanted to. If it's in your parent's name alone, it might go to the surviving spouse anyway, depending on the state and depending on whether your parent's will says otherwise.

Does your parent have retirement accounts? Pensions? Insurance? These assets have beneficiary designations. The person named as the beneficiary gets the money when your parent dies, and the will has no power over this. If your parent named the first spouse as beneficiary and never changed it, the first spouse might get the money, not the current partner or the children. If your parent didn't make a beneficiary designation, the account goes to your parent's estate, which then goes through probate. If your parent named the current partner as beneficiary, the current partner gets it.

Does your parent have substantial debts? A mortgage? Credit cards? If there are debts, they have to be paid before the estate is distributed. If there's a mortgage and your parent dies, the mortgage is still owed. The surviving spouse might inherit a house with a big mortgage on it.

What was your parent's financial situation before the current marriage? Did your parent have kids from a previous relationship? Did your parent want to leave money to those kids, or to grandchildren? Or is your parent focused on taking care of the current partner?

What is your parent's current family? Just the current partner? Does the current partner have children or grandchildren? Does your parent consider those step-children and step-grandchildren as family for purposes of inheritance? Or does your parent see the current partner as a separate unit from the broader family?

What are your parent's explicit wishes? This is the hard question. Your parent might not have thought it through. Your parent might have thought it through and not want to talk about it. Your parent might think it's obvious and be surprised that you're asking. Your parent might have conflicting wishes, like wanting to provide for the current partner for the rest of the partner's life, but also wanting money to eventually go to your parent's children.

The law can actually address this, but only if your parent's estate plan says so explicitly. Your parent can say that the house should go to your parent's children after the surviving spouse dies. Your parent can say that the surviving spouse gets to live in the house for their life, but the house can't be sold and has to go to the children when the spouse dies. Your parent can say that the current partner gets some money, and the rest goes to the children. Your parent can say lots of things. But the documents have to say it, or it doesn't happen.

What Happens Without a Plan

If your parent dies without a will or trust, the law decides. In most states, the surviving spouse gets a large share, possibly everything if there are no biological children. If there are biological children, the surviving spouse might get one-third and the children split the rest. If there are both biological children and step-children, the biological children inherit but the step-children probably don't. The exact percentages vary by state.

This might be fine. It might be what your parent wants. But it might not be. Your parent might have wanted to provide for the current partner, but not at the expense of your parent's biological children. Your parent might have wanted to make sure the family home stays in the family. Your parent might have had other wishes that the law just doesn't address.

Without a will or trust, the estate goes through probate, which is public and expensive and takes months or years. Probate costs come out of the estate before anyone inherits anything. The executor has to be appointed, often by a court. If there's a surviving spouse, the spouse might be the executor, or the court might appoint someone else if the spouse isn't willing or able. If you and the surviving spouse don't get along, probate becomes a battleground.

Without clear beneficiary designations on retirement accounts and insurance, those assets might go to the wrong person, or might have to go through probate. Without clear ownership of assets, there might be arguments about what's what. Was that piece of property a gift from the current partner to your parent, or do they own it jointly? Does the current partner have a right to stay in the house if your parent dies? These questions get fought in court if they're not addressed in the estate plan.

Building a Strategy

Your parent needs to sit down with an elder law attorney who understands blended families. This is not the time for a cheap internet will. Your parent needs professional help, because the stakes are high and the complexity is real.

The attorney will need to understand a few things. First, what does your parent own, and in what names? If property is owned jointly with right of survivorship, the surviving joint owner gets it automatically, outside of probate and outside of any will. If property is owned in your parent's name alone, your parent can control what happens to it. If property is owned in some other way, the attorney needs to know about it.

Second, who does your parent want to provide for? Your parent's biological children? The current partner? Both? For how long? Does your parent want the current partner to be able to sell the house and spend the money, or does your parent want the house to be protected so it goes to the biological children eventually? Does your parent want the current partner to have enough money to live comfortably for the partner's life, but no more?

Third, who does your parent trust to manage things? If your parent dies, someone has to be the executor and handle the estate. If your parent becomes incapacitated, someone has to manage your parent's finances and make medical decisions. Is that the current partner? Is that a biological child? Is that a neutral third party? Your parent needs to think about whether these people have the skills and the character to do the job.

Fourth, what about the current partner's relationship with your parent's children? If the relationship is good, some complications go away. If the relationship is tense, you need to structure things so that the surviving partner and the biological children aren't fighting over everything. You might need a neutral executor instead of a family member. You might need to be very specific about what happens when and to whom.

The strategy might include a prenuptial agreement or a postnuptial agreement. These agreements let your parent and the current partner agree on what happens to finances if the marriage ends or if one of them dies. They're not romantic, but they're practical. Your parent can agree to provide for the current partner in a specific way, and the current partner can agree not to make claims beyond that. This protects everyone.

The strategy might include a living trust. A living trust lets your parent control assets while alive and says exactly what happens to them when your parent dies. The current partner might serve as a successor trustee for a period of time, and then a biological child takes over. The trust can say that the current partner gets income from certain assets but can't spend the principal. These tools exist for exactly this situation.

The strategy might include specific bequests. Your parent might leave the house to the biological children and a certain amount of money to the current partner. Your parent might leave retirement accounts to specific people. Your parent might leave items of sentimental value to specific children. Specific bequests make clear what happens and to whom.

The strategy definitely needs to address who makes decisions if your parent becomes incapacitated. If your parent has dementia or a stroke, who manages the finances? Who makes healthcare decisions? If your parent's current partner has that authority, is that what your parent wants? If your parent's child has that authority, does the current partner have any input? These decisions matter because they affect how your parent is cared for and whether your parent's wishes are actually followed.

Taking Action Now

Start by having the conversation with your parent. This is uncomfortable, and your parent might not want to do it. But it's necessary. You can start small. You can ask your parent if they have a will. You can ask your parent if they know what would happen to the house if your parent died. You can ask your parent what matters most to them about their legacy.

Once you have some sense of what your parent is thinking, you can move toward finding an attorney. Ask for a referral. Tell the attorney in advance that your parent is in a blended family, so the attorney knows what kind of issues to expect. Prepare your parent for the attorney appointment by making sure your parent knows what assets exist and can talk about who your parent wants to provide for.

Your parent should be prepared to be specific. "Take care of everyone" is not a legal estate plan. Your parent needs to say how much the current partner gets, what happens to the house, what happens to retirement accounts, who makes decisions if your parent becomes incapacitated. Your parent needs to think about what happens after your parent dies, not just at the moment of death.

Your parent should also be prepared to have the attorney ask uncomfortable questions. Can your parent predict any conflict between the current partner and the biological children? Does your parent want to protect assets for the biological children? Does your parent worry that the current partner might get remarried after your parent's death and leave the family assets to a stranger? These questions matter, and your parent should answer them honestly.

Once the documents are drafted, your parent should review them carefully and make sure they actually reflect what your parent wants. Then your parent should sign them properly, with witnesses and notarization if required. Then your parent should tell the relevant people where they are and what they say. The executor needs to know. The power of attorney needs to know. The healthcare proxy needs to know. The children need to know, or at least have a way to find out.

The Harder Part

Estate planning in a blended family isn't just about documents. It's about managing expectations and preventing conflict. Your parent might need to have conversations with the current partner about what will happen. Your parent might need to have conversations with your parent's children about the plan. These conversations might be uncomfortable, but they're better than fighting after your parent is gone.

Your parent might also need to think about whether the plan is fair, which is a question with no objective answer. Fair doesn't mean equal. Fair means that everyone gets what your parent actually wants them to have. If your parent wants to provide differently for the current partner and the biological children, that might be fair, even if it's not equal. If your parent wants to protect assets for the biological children while still taking care of the current partner, that might be fair too.

What matters is that the plan reflects your parent's actual wishes, not what anyone else thinks your parent's wishes should be. Your parent gets to decide who inherits what. But your parent has to actually decide, and the decision has to be written down in a way that the law will respect.

The other part that matters is that everyone understands the plan. Your parent's children need to understand what's happening and why. The surviving partner needs to understand what they're getting and what they're not getting. The executor needs to understand what they're responsible for. Confusion and miscommunication are what turn estates into wars.

Your parent might not be comfortable talking about this. Your parent might think it's none of your business or that you're being greedy or that you're questioning your parent's choice of partner. But your parent's silence doesn't make the problem go away. It just makes the problem bigger when your parent is gone and you have to figure things out. Your parent is doing you a favor by being clear. You're doing your parent a favor by encouraging clarity.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. If you are concerned about a loved one's cognitive health or safety, consult with their healthcare provider or contact your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance and support.