Caregiver anger — the emotion nobody admits to feeling

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

You snap at your mother for asking the same question twice. You can feel the anger rising in your chest, hot and furious, and you know she can't help it, but that doesn't stop you from being furious with her anyway. Later, you feel ashamed. You're angry with her for aging. You're angry with her for needing you. And then you're angry with yourself for being angry with someone who is vulnerable and dependent on you. You're trapped in a cage of rage and guilt, and nobody talks about how normal it is to feel this way.

Caregiver anger is the emotion that caregivers feel but rarely admit to feeling. You're supposed to be patient and kind and selfless. You're supposed to be grateful for the opportunity to help your aging parent. You're not supposed to be furious. And yet many people in your situation are absolutely furious much of the time.

The anger has many sources, and understanding them might help you feel less ashamed about the anger itself.

Where Your Anger Comes From

There's the anger that comes from being trapped. You didn't choose this. You were born into a family, and now you're the one responsible for caring for a parent who's aging, and there's no way out. You have to do this. You can't just walk away. This lack of agency, this feeling of being trapped in a situation you didn't choose, creates an enormous amount of anger. It's the same anger that people feel in prisons or oppressive situations. You're bound to something against your will, and that creates rage.

There's the anger that comes from resentment. You had plans for your life. You had a career you wanted to develop, or a relationship you wanted to nurture, or hobbies you wanted to pursue, or children you wanted to raise, or travel you wanted to do. Instead, you're here, doing this, and your life has been put on hold. Other people are out there living the lives you wanted to live, and you're managing your parent's medical care and finances. The resentment is enormous, and it expresses itself as anger.

There's the anger that comes from endless, thankless labor. You do something for your parent, and they forget you did it. They ask you to do it again. You explain something to them and they don't understand it, so you explain it again. You go to the store and they ask you to go to the store again. You're stuck in an endless loop of doing things that are never finished, never appreciated, never solved. This Sisyphean labor creates a kind of rage that builds and builds.

There's the anger that comes from your parent's behavior or personality. Maybe your parent was never an easy person. Maybe they were critical or controlling or emotionally unavailable. Now you're supposed to care for them, and you're supposed to do it without resentment or anger. But you're also a human being with a history with this person, and that history often includes pain. Caregiving doesn't erase that history. It doesn't make their past behavior okay. And sometimes it makes the past wounds feel fresher and more painful.

There's the anger that comes from your own needs being ignored. You haven't had a full night of sleep in weeks. You haven't been able to spend real time with your spouse. You cancelled plans with friends to take your parent to an appointment. Your own health needs have been put on hold. Meanwhile, everyone around you is acting like you should be fine with this, like your sacrifice is natural and expected. The anger from having your needs completely erased is fierce.

There's the anger at other family members for not stepping up. Your siblings aren't helping. Your parent isn't advocating for you. Your partner isn't taking over enough. You're the one drowning while other people get to live normally. This anger is different from the others because it's about injustice and unfairness. You're getting screwed over while others get off easy. That's enraging.

And there's the anger at your parent themselves. Anger that they're getting old. Anger that they need so much from you. Anger that they're still here, because part of you knows that their death would mean you're free from this responsibility. And then you feel the most terrible guilt for having that thought, because you love your parent and you don't want them to die. You just want them to not need you quite so much. But since you can't have that, the anger gets tangled up with the guilt, and you're a mess.

Understanding Your Anger

All of this anger is normal. It's a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. And yet caregivers are taught to suppress it, to push it down, to be "nice" about the whole thing. You're supposed to be gracious. You're supposed to be patient. You're supposed to understand. And while you're supposed to be all of these things, you're also boiling with rage.

Here's the truth: suppressing anger doesn't make it go away. It festers. It comes out sideways. You snap at the wrong person. You develop stress-related physical problems. You become increasingly bitter and resentful. The anger that you're not allowed to feel finds its way out anyway, usually in ways that make you feel worse about yourself.

The healthier path is to acknowledge the anger, understand it, and find ways to express it that don't hurt people.

First, acknowledge it. You're angry. That's okay. That's allowed. You can be loving and kind and devoted to your parent and still be furious about the situation. These things are not mutually exclusive. Your anger is valid.

Then understand what you're angry about specifically. Is it anger at the situation, or anger at your parent? Are you angry at yourself, or at other family members? Is it rage at injustice, or fear that's expressing itself as anger? Getting specific about what you're angry about makes it easier to address.

Then find ways to release the anger that aren't harmful. Some people find that exercise helps. Intense physical activity can work anger out of your system. Some people find that talking helps. A therapist or support group gives you a place to be honest about your rage without judgment. Some people find that writing helps. Writing down everything you're angry about, without censoring yourself, can be cathartic. Some people find that creative expression helps, whether that's art or music or something else.

You can also be angry with your parent without being mean to them. You can acknowledge internally that you're furious about the situation while still treating them with kindness. "I'm so frustrated right now," is honest. You don't have to hide your feelings, but you can manage how you express them.

Sometimes your anger is also feedback that something needs to change. If you're constantly angry, that's telling you that the current situation is unsustainable. Something has to shift. Maybe you need help. Maybe your parent needs to move to a facility. Maybe you need to set stricter boundaries. Your anger can be a signal that you need to take action.

Moving Forward With Your Anger

It's also important to forgive yourself for the times you've expressed your anger in ways you regret. You've snapped at your parent. You've been less patient than you wish you were. You've said things you didn't mean. These are things that happen when you're pushed past your limit. You can apologize to your parent, you can commit to doing better, and you can also extend yourself some grace. You're doing an incredibly hard thing. You're going to mess up sometimes. That doesn't make you a bad person.

And if your anger ever becomes dangerous, if you're ever worried you might physically hurt someone, please get help immediately. Talk to a therapist or your doctor. Call a crisis line. There's no shame in that. It's actually the most responsible thing you can do.

Your anger is telling you something important: this situation is too much. Your anger is telling you that you need something to change. Your anger is telling you that you're human and you have limits. Listen to it. Use it as information. And then find ways to address what the anger is pointing toward.

You're allowed to be angry. You're also allowed to get help, set boundaries, and change the situation that's making you so furious. These things together might actually make the anger more bearable.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation.