Elder financial abuse — when someone is stealing from your parent

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

You start noticing things. Your parent mentions that a bill didn't get paid, but you know your parent always paid bills on time. A caregiver or family member who has access to your parent's account seems to have gotten a new car. Your parent can't explain where money went or starts telling contradictory stories. Or maybe your parent trusts someone to help with finances and you realize that person is making withdrawals that don't seem to match any actual expenses.

The word "abuse" can feel strong when you're talking about family or people who are supposed to be helping. But taking money that doesn't belong to you is taking money that doesn't belong to you, regardless of the relationship. Financial abuse of elders happens far more often than most people realize, and it happens in all kinds of family situations. It happens when someone with power of attorney takes advantage of that authority. It happens when a caregiver gradually starts using your parent's money for personal expenses. It happens when an adult child pressures an aging parent to give them money. It happens when a stranger befriends your parent and convinces them to make financial transfers.

What makes it especially painful is that it's not always obvious that it's happening. Some abusers are careful to make it look legitimate. And some people who love your parent genuinely believe they're entitled to the money, or they tell themselves it's okay because they're "doing so much" for your parent.

If you're worried about this, you're not being paranoid. And if you discover it's happening, your parent is not at fault.

Tracking Your Parent's Money

You can't protect what you don't see. If your parent is still managing their own finances, this is possible but limited. If your parent has asked you to help, or if you have power of attorney, you have more visibility and responsibility. Either way, the first step is knowing what money your parent has and where it's going.

Start by identifying all accounts and assets. Where is your parent's money? Checking account, savings account, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, real estate, cash? Write it down. If you don't have access, ask your parent directly. If you're the power of attorney, you have a right to access this information. If you're not, you're more limited unless your parent is willing to share. The goal is to get a complete picture of what resources exist and how they're structured.

For each account, you'll want to know the institution, the account type, the balance, and who has access. If your parent has accounts at multiple banks, multiple investment firms, or property in different states, they all need to be documented. This might feel tedious, but it's the foundation of everything that comes next. If you can't account for all of your parent's assets, you can't know whether money is going missing.

Also document income. Where does money come from each month? Social Security? Pension? Dividends? Rental income? Annuity payments? Write down the amounts and when they hit the account. This becomes your baseline. You're not just looking for what income your parent has, but specifically when it arrives and where it goes. If your parent receives a $2,000 Social Security check on the third of every month, you should know that.

Then track expenses. What does your parent actually need to spend money on each month? Housing costs, utilities, insurance, food, medical care, transportation. Write down what your parent typically spends, broken down by category. This gives you a sense of what outflows should look like. If your parent has been living the same lifestyle for years, there should be a fairly predictable pattern to spending. Your parent probably spends roughly the same amount on utilities each month. Your parent probably has a regular grocery budget. Your parent probably pays the same insurance premiums.

Now compare. If your parent gets $3,000 per month in income and spends about $2,500 on actual living expenses, then approximately $500 should be left over each month. If money is disappearing faster than that, something is wrong. If withdrawals are being made that don't match any spending you can identify, that's a red flag. If your parent suddenly starts spending $300 per month on things that weren't budgeted before, either something has changed in your parent's life, or someone is taking money without your parent realizing it.

Keep records of everything. Bank statements, credit card statements, investment statements. Keep them organized and accessible. Consider using a folder or file on your computer where you can collect these documents monthly. If you ever need to prove that money was misused, you'll need documentation. If you spot something wrong, don't just let it slide or assume it's a mistake. Document it specifically. Write down what you saw, when you saw it, and why it concerns you.

Also know who has access to your parent's money. Who is a signatory on accounts? Who has power of attorney? Who has knowledge of passwords and account information? Who handles bill paying? Create a list. Sometimes financial abuse happens because too many people have access or because the wrong person has access. Sometimes it happens because your parent shared passwords with someone years ago and that person still has access even though your parent doesn't remember giving it. Sometimes it happens because a caregiver is nice to your parent and your parent gives them permission without fully understanding what they're agreeing to.

Managing Day-to-Day Finances

If you're helping your parent manage finances, you can implement safeguards that make abuse much harder.

First, establish clear procedures for how bills get paid and how money gets accessed. If your parent is still capable, your parent should be paying bills themselves whenever possible, with you monitoring to make sure bills are getting paid. If your parent needs help, you should be the person helping, or a professional like an accountant or bill-paying service. The fewer people who have access to your parent's accounts, the better.

Second, require documentation for all transactions. Every withdrawal, every bill paid, every transfer should have supporting documentation. A bill paid should be backed up by a copy of the bill. A withdrawal should be documented with what it was for. If someone spent your parent's money on something, there should be a receipt or explanation. This creates a paper trail and makes it much harder for someone to quietly take money.

Third, use online banking tools to monitor accounts actively. Many banks allow you to set up alerts when large withdrawals happen, when accounts are accessed from new devices, or when account information is changed. If someone tries to add themselves as a signer or change the address on the account, you'll know. This catches problems early.

Fourth, separate spending categories if possible. Some banks allow you to set spending limits on debit cards or create sub-accounts with specific purposes. If your parent needs money for groceries, a debit card limited to $500 per week for groceries is better than giving someone access to an unlimited account.

Fifth, maintain detailed records for tax and accountability purposes. If your parent gets audited, or if there's ever a question about where money went, you'll need documentation. Keep receipts, bank statements, and a log of major purchases or transfers. This sounds tedious, but it protects your parent and protects you if you're a power of attorney.

Also watch for changes in behavior. Is a caregiver suddenly spending a lot of time talking to your parent about finances? Is someone new to your parent's life suddenly focused on getting gifts or money? Is your parent becoming secretive about financial matters? Is your parent mentioning that someone is pressuring them to make financial changes? These aren't always signs of abuse, but they warrant paying closer attention.

What to Do If You Suspect Abuse

If you believe your parent's money is being misused, take action. Don't minimize it or assume it will work itself out. Don't wait for proof that's indisputable. If something looks wrong, it probably is.

Document what you've noticed. Write down specific transactions that seem wrong, dates, amounts, who had access, what you think happened. Be as factual as possible rather than making assumptions. "Mom's caregiver withdrew $500 cash on January 15 and I can't find any documentation of what it was for" is different from "The caregiver is stealing."

Then talk to your parent if it's safe to do so. If your parent is cognitively intact, ask directly. "I noticed this withdrawal, and I can't find documentation. Can you explain what that was for?" If your parent is confused or if you think the person abusing your parent is also controlling your parent, talking to your parent might not be possible or safe.

Contact your parent's bank or financial institution. Explain that you're concerned about unauthorized or questionable transactions. Ask about transaction details and who accessed the account. Banks take this seriously because they have liability concerns. The bank can sometimes reverse fraudulent transactions.

If you're a power of attorney and someone else is misusing your parent's money, you can modify account access. You can remove signatories, change passwords, move money to safer accounts, or freeze accounts that are being misused. Do this carefully and legally, but do it.

Contact local law enforcement or adult protective services. Financial abuse of an elder is a crime in most jurisdictions. The police might not be able to investigate immediately, but reporting creates documentation. Adult protective services can do a home visit and assess whether your parent is safe and whether financial abuse is occurring. They can sometimes intervene.

Consult with an elder law attorney. Explain the situation and ask about your options. You might need to pursue legal action to protect your parent's assets. You might need to seek guardianship or conservatorship if your parent is unable to protect themselves. You might need to file for restitution if money has been stolen.

Moving Forward

If abuse has been discovered, your parent will need protection going forward. This might mean changing who has access to accounts. It might mean removing someone from the household or limiting their contact with your parent. It might mean moving your parent away from the person who was taking advantage. It might mean reporting the abuse to authorities and law enforcement. Most importantly, it will mean being more involved in your parent's finances going forward. This is not something you can return to a background role on after discovering abuse.

Work with professionals to tighten the controls. If you have power of attorney or guardianship, you can change account titles, move money to safer institutions, require two signatories on withdrawals, or implement other safeguards. Talk to your parent's bank about fraud alerts. Consider using a fiduciary or professional money manager to oversee accounts. Some families hire forensic accountants to investigate what money was taken and where it went, which can help recover assets through civil action.

Also be aware that you might face family conflict after reporting financial abuse. A sibling who was taking money might deny it or minimize it. A caregiver who was abusing your parent might claim they did nothing wrong. Other family members might side with the accused person or refuse to believe the abuse happened. This is heartbreaking, but it's not your problem to solve. Your responsibility is to your parent's safety and financial security, not to maintaining peace with family members who would defend someone abusing a vulnerable person.

Your parent might feel embarrassed or ashamed, especially if the abuse was perpetrated by someone they trusted. This is incredibly common and completely understandable. Let your parent know that this is not their fault. Abusers are manipulative and take advantage of the trust that family members naturally have for each other. Your parent's trust was not a character flaw. Elders are not more "gullible" than younger people, despite the stereotypes. They're just in a position of vulnerability, and abusers exploit that vulnerability.

Also understand that recovering emotionally from financial abuse can take time. Your parent might feel violated or betrayed. Your parent might be grieving the loss of a relationship with someone who was close to them. That grief is legitimate even if that person was stealing from them. People are complicated. Someone can have genuinely helped your parent with some things while also taking advantage financially. Your parent can both have loved that person and been hurt by them.

What you can do is make sure it doesn't happen again. Be vigilant. Stay involved in your parent's finances. Make access difficult for anyone who might take advantage. Have regular check-ins about money. Monitor accounts. Let your parent know you're watching out for them not because you don't trust your parent, but because you love your parent and you want your parent to be safe.

Financial abuse is a betrayal, and it's incredibly painful. It attacks both your parent's resources and your parent's sense of trust and safety. But most of the time, it's preventable if someone is paying attention. By being willing to look at the actual numbers and ask uncomfortable questions, you're protecting your parent in a way that matters. You're saying clearly that your parent's financial security is important, that your parent's resources belong to your parent, and that you will not look the other way while someone takes advantage.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. If you are concerned about a loved one's cognitive health or safety, consult with their healthcare provider or contact your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance and support.