Facility care during COVID and future health crises — lessons learned

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Please consult appropriate professionals for guidance specific to your situation.

The pandemic isolated your parent in ways that nothing else could. The facility locked down. You couldn't visit. You couldn't hold your parent's hand. You could only talk on the phone. Your parent, already isolated by age and health conditions, became completely cut off. For weeks or months. Some families report that their parents had visible declines during isolation. Depression deepened. Function decreased. Relationships with the facility became strained because there was no in-person oversight. Staff became overwhelmed. Some facilities had major outbreaks. Some of your parents died without family present.

The pandemic was a crisis, and crises reveal and magnify existing problems. Facilities that were already struggling fell apart. Facilities that had good systems and good leadership managed better. But every facility was overwhelmed because the system never prepared for a crisis of that magnitude. And the hard truth is that future crises will happen. Maybe a different virus. Maybe a natural disaster. Maybe a staffing collapse. Something will happen that disrupts your parent's facility care and your ability to be involved.

Understanding how to prepare for the worst and how to manage during crisis is part of being a family member with a parent in facility care. You can't prevent crisis. But you can prepare for it.

Preparing for the Worst

Start by having a conversation with your parent about serious medical situations. What matters to your parent? If your parent gets very sick, do they want aggressive medical care or comfort care? Would your parent want to be intubated, put on a ventilator? Would your parent want to be hospitalized or would they prefer to stay at the facility? What does your parent want if recovery isn't possible? These conversations are hard. Most families put them off. But they're essential.

You also need to understand what your parent's prognosis actually is and what realistic outcomes look like. If your parent has advanced heart disease, they might survive a crisis with good treatment, or they might not. If your parent has dementia, recovery from serious illness might be limited regardless of treatment. If your parent is ninety-five and frail, aggressive medical intervention might only prolong suffering. Talking to your parent's doctor about what's realistically possible helps you understand what to advocate for if crisis happens.

Put your parent's wishes in writing. Do they have a living will or advance directive? That's the document that tells medical providers what kind of care your parent wants if they can't speak for themselves. The document should be specific: if I have a terminal illness, I want comfort care. If I'm not dying but I'm seriously ill, I want treatment. If I have significant dementia, I don't want CPR if my heart stops. If I can't communicate, my daughter speaks for me and she knows what I would want. These documents matter because in crisis, medical decisions happen fast.

Also make sure your legal authority is established. Do you have healthcare power of attorney? That's the legal document that gives you the right to make medical decisions for your parent if your parent can't make them. Do you have financial power of attorney? That gives you the right to manage finances if your parent can't. You don't want to be scrambling to establish legal authority while your parent is critically ill. Do it now, while things are calm.

Keep important information organized and accessible. Where are your parent's medications listed? Where are their medical diagnoses? What allergies do they have? Who are their doctors? What insurance do they have? What are their account numbers? Create a document or a file that has this information. Make sure at least one other family member knows where this information is and can access it if you're unavailable.

Conversation About Not Going Home

Sometimes the conversation that needs to happen is this: the recovery from this event won't restore independence. Your parent will need placement at a facility for the rest of their life. Your parent probably already knows this. But having the conversation explicitly helps everyone accept it rather than spending months hoping for improvement that won't come.

This conversation is heavy. It's saying to your parent, "The life you had before is over. Your life now is a facility life, and that's where you'll spend your time until you die." That's brutally honest. And your parent might not want to hear it. Your parent might still be hoping to go home. Your parent might think if they just work hard enough at recovery, they'll get to go back to their house.

Sometimes pushing that truth is necessary. Not to be cruel, but to help your parent accept reality and move toward making the best of current life rather than grieving what won't come back. But other times, letting your parent hold onto hope for a while longer is kinder. It depends on your parent's capacity and your situation.

Some families find that the conversation becomes easier after crisis. After your parent is seriously ill and recovers, the fragility becomes obvious. Your parent understands they're aging rapidly. Going home becomes clearly not safe. Accepting placement as permanent becomes possible in a way it wasn't before.

Also have a conversation about what matters now. If recovery isn't going to happen, what would make current life worth living? Visits from family. Participating in activities that bring joy. Eating favorite foods. Having a pet or a plant. Spending time in nature. Making new friendships. Some of these things facilities can support. Some are harder. But knowing what matters helps you advocate for what gives your parent's remaining life quality and meaning.

Moving Forward

After crisis, there's often a phase of checking the damage. What was damaged in the facility? How did your parent fare? How did the care hold up? Some families find their relationship with the facility irreparably damaged. The facility let your parent down. There were outbreaks. There was poor communication. There was suffering that was preventable. Some families decide to move their parent. Some decide they'll never trust the facility again but have no other options.

Some families find their parent was actually okay. The facility managed. The staff rose to the challenge. The care was maintained. The isolation was hard but your parent survived it mentally and physically. In those cases, your confidence in the facility might increase.

Also pay attention to your parent's recovery from the crisis itself. Did your parent rebound quickly or do they seem permanently changed? Some older adults recover quickly from illness. Some are weakened by it and never fully recover. Some develop new limitations. This shifts what's possible going forward. It shifts conversations about what your parent might need next.

Most importantly, moving forward means integrating the experience into how you approach ongoing care. You've learned that crisis can happen. You've learned what the facility is like under stress. You've learned what your parent's resilience is. You've learned what matters most. Use that knowledge to make better decisions and to prepare better for the future.

Life after an aging parent's crisis isn't the same as life before. You've seen fragility. You've seen your own helplessness. You've experienced the reality that you can't protect your parent from everything. Moving forward means accepting this, while still doing what you can to advocate for good care, quality of life, and the dignity your parent deserves.

How To Help Your Elders provides educational content for family caregivers. This is not a substitute for professional medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different; what works for one may not work for another.