How to choose an assisted living facility — what to look for on the tour

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Please consult appropriate professionals for guidance specific to your situation.

You're going to tour assisted living facilities, and it's going to feel strange and maybe a little bit heartbreaking. You're looking at places where your parent might live. You're picturing your parent there. You're trying to figure out if this makes sense. You're probably also feeling like you shouldn't be doing this, that somehow suggesting this is a betrayal.

The guilt is part of the process, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be here. You're looking for the best possible situation for your parent because you love them. That's the opposite of betrayal. That's responsibility and care.

Before you even start touring, manage your expectations. You're not looking for a perfect place. You're not looking for something that makes you feel happy about the situation. You're looking for a place that will provide your parent with safety, some level of independence, basic dignity, and some structure. That's the bar. Can they live there safely and with a reasonable quality of life? Everything else flows from that.

Some facilities will feel fine but cold. Some will feel more warm. Some will have better activities. Some will have better food. None of them will feel like home because they're not home. Your parent is going to feel the loss of their home regardless of how nice the facility is. That's separate from whether the facility is the right choice. Don't confuse the sadness of the transition with the quality of the choice.

What You're Actually Looking For

When you walk through a facility, you're looking for several things, and you're looking for them not in what people tell you but in what you actually see.

First, you're looking at the physical space and whether it functions well. Are the hallways clean? Are they wide enough for a walker? Are grab bars installed in appropriate places? Are there places to sit? Can you see outside? Is there air conditioning or heating? These aren't fancy things. They're basic functional things. The physical space doesn't have to be beautiful, but it has to work.

You're looking at the rooms and what they're actually like. Are they bigger than a bedroom? Can your parent have their own furniture or will they have to use facility furniture? Is there a bathroom in the room? How close is it? If your parent has mobility issues, distance to the bathroom matters. Can they have guests in their room? Will they have a door that closes? Privacy matters to everyone, including people living in facilities.

You're looking at activities and whether they're actually happening. Look at the activity calendar. Are there things listed? Walk around at different times. Is anyone actually doing the activities or is the activity room empty? Talk to residents and ask what they actually do. Ask your parent's potential roommate, if there is one, what they do during the day. You'll get a real picture from residents that you won't get from staff. Residents will tell you the truth. Some activities are terrible. Some are genuinely okay. Some residents love them and some don't care. Get the real story.

You're looking at the dining area and what's actually served. When are meals? Can your parent eat on their own schedule or only at set times? What does the food look like? Is it recognizable? Is it fresh? Is someone eating it right there in front of you, or is it looking at the display platters they show visiting families? Ask to see the food. Ask what meals are being served during the week. Ask if your parent can request preferences. Food is actually important. It's part of daily pleasure and sustenance.

You're observing how staff interacts with residents. Are they respectful? Are they talking to residents, not just managing them? Do they remember names? Do they use appropriate language? Do they treat residents like people? Spend some time just watching. Don't be obvious about it. Notice whether staff seems relaxed or stressed. Notice whether residents seem to know staff and staff seems to know residents.

You're checking safety. Are there emergency call systems in rooms? Is there 24-hour staff presence? What happens at night? What's the security like? Can your parent wander out onto the street? Is medication secured? These are basic safety questions that matter.

You're asking about processes. What happens if your parent gets sick? What happens if they need to go to the hospital? How much time do they have to decide if they like it? What's the contract like? What happens if your parent's needs increase? Can they stay or do they have to move? These questions tell you how the facility operates and what you can expect.

The Conversation Before Moving Day

Before your parent agrees to move, you need to have some conversations that have nothing to do with the facility itself and everything to do with managing the emotional reality of what's happening.

Your parent is probably anxious about this. Even if they've agreed to move, even if they know it's necessary, there's still anxiety. They're leaving their home. They're going to a place where they don't know anyone. They're losing a kind of independence. This is scary. It's okay to name that. "I know this is scary. I know you're not thrilled about this. That's normal. Most people feel exactly this way right before they move." This normalizes their fear. It doesn't fix it, but it makes them less alone with it.

You might also need to grieve. You're grieving your parent's independence. You're grieving that you can't fix this. You're grieving that home isn't working anymore. Your parent might be grieving the same things. These are real losses, and grief is appropriate. If you try to only be positive and cheerful about it, you're making it harder. If you allow the sadness to be there alongside the practicality, you're being honest.

Talk about what's going to happen with the house, if your parent owns it. Are you keeping it? Are you selling it? Is your parent still paying the mortgage? These details matter and they create uncertainty if they're not addressed. Clear information about what happens to the house reduces anxiety because your parent doesn't have to keep worrying about it.

Talk about what your parent can bring. Some people can bring quite a bit. Some facilities restrict what you can bring. Some of your parent's favorite furniture might fit. Some of it won't. Talk about which items matter most and how to make the room feel like theirs. This isn't about convincing your parent that a new room is better than their house. It's about making their new room have some of themselves in it.

Talk about how often you're going to visit. Be realistic about this. If you say you'll visit every day and you can't actually do that, your parent will feel abandoned. If you say you'll visit once a month and that's actually realistic, that's better. Consistency matters more than frequency. Once a week, every week, is better than sporadic visits. If you're going to visit, when and how often?

Talk about what independence means in this new context. Your parent might not be able to manage their own medications anymore, but maybe they can pick what they wear. Maybe they can choose activities. Maybe they can go outside when they want. Finding the places where your parent still has autonomy is important for their sense of self.

Your New Role

When your parent moves to assisted living, your role changes. You're not managing their daily care anymore. You're not responsible for their medications or their bathing or their meals. Staff is. This is actually a relief, though you might not feel relieved right away. You might feel guilty for feeling relieved. That's normal.

Your new role is advocate and relationship person. You're the person who checks in on their behalf. You're the person who watches for problems and addresses them with staff. You're the person who asks questions and gets answers. You're the person who knows your parent well enough to notice if something's wrong. You're also the person who visits because you love them, not because you're managing their care. These are different things.

Visiting without managing is a shift. You visit and you talk and you spend time. You don't spend the whole visit checking on whether staff is doing things right. Some of that might happen, but you don't make it the focus. Your parent needs you to be their child, not their supervisor. Though if you notice something genuinely wrong, you address it. That's part of being an advocate.

Let your parent have a life there. Let them make friends with other residents. Let them participate in activities. Let them create a routine that's theirs. You're not there to fill all their time. If you visit and see they're busy and happy, that's actually good. That means they're building a life, not just surviving.

Your parent is going to have hard days and bad days and moments where they cry or where they say they want to come home. That's not a sign you made the wrong choice. That's a sign they're grieving, which is normal. You can hold their hand and be sad with them and also know that the facility is still the right place.

Some of the guilt you're feeling will ease over time. Some won't. That's okay. You made a hard choice because your parent needed you to. That takes courage. It takes love. It's not failure. It's what adults do.

How To Help Your Elders provides educational content for family caregivers. This is not a substitute for professional medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different — what works for one may not work for another.