How to talk to your parent about signing these documents

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

You've been thinking about bringing this up for months. Your mother is getting older. She's having health issues. You know she should probably have a power of attorney in place. But every time you think about the conversation, you second-guess yourself. How do you bring up death and incapacity without sounding morbid? How do you suggest to your parent that they might lose the ability to manage their own affairs? How do you have this conversation without insulting them or making them feel like you're trying to control them?

This is the conversation that keeps many adult children from actually getting necessary documents signed. It feels difficult. It feels uncomfortable. It feels like you're implying something negative about your parent's current abilities. So you don't bring it up. And then something happens. Your parent has a stroke or is diagnosed with dementia, and you realize you should have had this conversation.

The conversation isn't as difficult as you're imagining. Most parents understand the point of these documents. Most people are actually relieved to have someone willing to handle these conversations with them. The trick is approaching the conversation clearly and kindly, not as an accusation but as a practical planning discussion. If you think about what you're actually trying to accomplish, the conversation becomes easier.

Understanding the Basics

The conversation is about planning, not about control. You're not trying to take over your parent's finances or medical decisions. You're trying to make sure that if something prevents your parent from making decisions themselves, there's a legal document that names someone to do that. It's not a power grab. It's responsible planning.

Frame the conversation accordingly. "I've been thinking about how to handle things if something unexpected happens. I think we should talk about legal documents that would let me help you if you ever needed that kind of help." This framing makes it clear you're thinking about emergencies and planning, not suggesting that your parent is currently unable to handle things.

The conversation also isn't necessarily about your parent's mortality. Many people think discussing power of attorney means talking about death. It doesn't. A power of attorney might be used if your parent has a temporary disability. If your parent breaks their leg and can't get to the bank, power of attorney could help. If your parent is hospitalized for surgery and isn't able to manage bills while recovering, power of attorney helps. These aren't death scenarios. They're practical scenarios that could happen.

You should also go into the conversation understanding that this is your parent's choice. Your parent might say they don't want a power of attorney. They might say they want to name someone different than you. They might have opinions about what documents they want and what they don't. Your job is to help the conversation, not to pressure your parent into doing what you think is right.

Most parents, when given the chance to think about it, understand the value of having documents in place. They might not have thought about it themselves. They might have assumed they had time to deal with it. But when you frame it as practical planning for emergencies, most people are reasonable about it.

Your Parent's Specific Situation

Think about how your parent would best receive this information. Is your parent someone who appreciates directness, or is your parent more indirect? Is your parent someone who likes time to think about things, or do they make decisions quickly? Does your parent respond better to written information or verbal conversation?

If your parent is someone who likes to think about things, maybe provide some written information before you have the conversation. Send an article about power of attorney. Send information from your state's bar association. Give your parent something to read. Then have the conversation later after they've had time to absorb the information.

If your parent is someone who prefers conversation to written material, talk about it. Bring it up casually at first. "I was reading about estate planning today. I think we should probably talk about what would happen if you got sick and couldn't manage your affairs." Then listen to what your parent says.

Think about when to have the conversation. Don't have it when your parent is tired, stressed, or dealing with another crisis. Pick a calm moment. Maybe over coffee or a meal. Maybe when you're visiting and have time to talk without rushing. The timing affects how receptive your parent will be.

Think about how to bring it up. Some people can directly say, "We should talk about your legal documents." Other people need more of a lead-in. "I've been thinking about what would happen if something unexpected happened to you. Have you ever thought about whether you'd want me to be able to make decisions for you?" Both approaches work. The one that works is the one that fits your relationship with your parent.

Consider your parent's health status. If your parent is recently diagnosed with a serious illness, the conversation becomes more important and perhaps more urgent. If your parent is generally healthy, you can frame it as general planning. The urgency you feel should probably reflect your parent's actual situation, not your anxiety.

Also consider whether now is the right time. If your parent has been talking about aging and has been thinking about these kinds of things, now is a good time. If your parent is actively denying aging or resisting discussions about getting older, the conversation might be harder. You can still have it, but go in understanding that your parent might resist.

Taking Next Steps

Start by bringing it up. You don't need a perfect opening line. Something like, "Mom, I've been thinking about what would happen if something unexpected happened to you. I think we should probably talk about whether you'd want me to have authority to make decisions and manage things. What do you think?" Start the conversation. See where it goes.

Listen to what your parent says. If your parent says they'd rather have someone else make these decisions, that's okay. If your parent says they don't want any documents, you know where they stand. If your parent says they've been thinking about it too and are glad you brought it up, you're past the hardest part.

If your parent is interested, suggest talking to an attorney. Most attorneys who practice in estate law or elder law are very experienced with having these conversations. An attorney can explain the documents, explain what they do, and help your parent decide what they actually want. Sometimes having a neutral third party explain things helps. The attorney isn't your parent's child suggesting this for your benefit. The attorney is a professional who explains how it works.

If your parent agrees to move forward, help them find an attorney if they don't already have one. You might help with the appointment. You might even attend the meeting if your parent wants you there. But this is your parent's process. Let your parent be the one making decisions about what documents to create and who to name.

Help your parent think through the decisions they need to make. Who do they want as healthcare power of attorney? Who do they want handling their finances? What do they feel about end-of-life care? These are questions they'll need to think about for the attorney, but you can help them clarify their thinking beforehand.

Once documents are created, help your parent store them appropriately and tell relevant people about them. Your parent's doctor should know about the healthcare power of attorney. You should have copies. Your parent should know where to find them.

If your parent refuses to create documents, you've done what you can. You've brought it up. You've explained why it matters. If your parent chooses not to do it, that's your parent's right. But you've at least opened the conversation. If a crisis happens later, your parent might regret not signing documents, but at least you'll know you tried.

This conversation feels harder before you have it than it actually is once you start. Most parents appreciate that you care enough to bring it up. Most parents understand the practical value of having documents in place. Most parents are willing to sign when they understand what they're signing and why. The hardest part is deciding to have the conversation. Once you start, it usually goes better than you expect.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. If you are concerned about a loved one's cognitive health or safety, consult with their healthcare provider or contact your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance and support.