This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Always consult with qualified professionals regarding your specific situation.

Planning a funeral while they're still alive — the gift of their input

Most families plan the funeral after someone dies. In the chaos of grief and logistics, you call a funeral director and try to remember if your mother liked flowers or if she wanted to be buried or cremated. You make decisions from grief and guilt and the fear of doing it wrong. You try to honor someone who isn't there to tell you what they want.

But some families get to have a different conversation. Some families get to ask: What do you want? When you die, what should happen? You can sit down with your parent while they can tell you. That's a gift.

This conversation doesn't happen in the hospital. It happens in the living room on an ordinary afternoon, when someone says: "We've been thinking about what we'd want if something happened to one of us, and we'd like to talk with you about what you'd want."

Your parent will have opinions. Some of them might surprise you. Some of them might make you uncomfortable. That's fine. It's not your funeral. It's theirs.

Why this conversation matters

When you plan a funeral while someone is alive, you get to honor them the way they wanted to be honored. You get to give them the last word. After they've spent a lifetime other people deciding how they should dress or what they should do or what's appropriate, they get to decide this one thing.

This also matters because it makes planning easier when they're gone. You won't be in the fog of grief trying to remember if they said they wanted to be cremated or buried. You won't be torn between siblings about whether they'd want jazz at the service or hymns. You have the information you need. You can focus on grief instead of panicking that you've made the wrong decision.

It's also a gift to your parent. Most people want to be known. They want to matter. They want to be remembered not as someone who was generic and vague, but as someone specific, someone with preferences, someone with a life. Planning their funeral while they're alive says: "Your life matters. Your wishes matter. I want to get this right."

The practical questions to ask

You don't need a script. But some questions are useful. Start with the big ones: "Do you want to be buried or cremated?"

Some people have strong feelings about this. Some have no idea. If they've never thought about it, you might explain the difference. Burial means the body goes in a casket into the ground. Cremation means the body is reduced by heat to ashes. Some religions have preferences. Some people's idea of being returned to earth means burial. Some people's idea means cremation, with ashes scattered in the ocean or in mountains. Ask what appeals to them.

If they want burial, you might ask: "Do you have a cemetery in mind? Is there a family plot? Do you want to be near family members who've died?"

If they want cremation, ask: "What do you want done with your ashes? Scattered somewhere? Kept in an urn? Divided among family members?"

Other questions: "Do you want a funeral service?" Some people want a big gathering. Some want something small and private. Some people don't want a service at all. They want cremation, and that's it.

If they want a service: "What kind? Religious? A celebration of life? Formal or casual?"

"What kind of music? Do you have favorite songs? Hymns? Composers?"

"Do you want an open casket?" Some people want others to see their face one last time. Some find open caskets morbid. Some want their body respected but not displayed.

"Where do you want it held? A church? A funeral home? Somewhere outside?"

"Who should speak? Do you want a eulogy? Should particular people talk about you?"

"Do you have favorite readings? Poems? Passages from books or from faith traditions that matter to you?"

"What should people know about your life? What would you want remembered? What made you proud?"

"What was your life about? What did you try to do? What do you hope people remember?"

The last questions are the important ones. Because what you're really doing is giving your parent a chance to tell you who they were, and what mattered. And that becomes the shape of the funeral—not a generic service, but something true to this particular person.

Talking about money, without shame

Funerals cost money. A simple service costs a few thousand dollars. A more elaborate one costs more. Some families can afford it easily. Some families have to choose between paying rent and paying for a funeral. Both situations exist, and neither is shameful.

Your parent might say they want something simple because they don't want to burden their children financially. They might say they want something elaborate because they've imagined their life ending a particular way. They might have saved money specifically for the funeral. They might have nothing.

You can talk about what you can afford. You can say: "We want to honor you well, and we also need to be honest about what we can afford. What feels important to you?" Some people's needs are negotiable. Some aren't. If your parent feels strongly about something, sometimes you find a way to make it happen. Sometimes you can't.

Many people pre-plan their funeral. They put money aside. They even pay for it in advance. If your parent is interested in that, it's worth knowing—it can ease the financial burden on the family. It also locks in current prices, which can matter if you're talking about a service that's years away.

You can also just say: "Some funerals are simple and short, and some are big and expensive. I want to do what matters to you, but I also want us to be honest about money." That opens the door.

What past choices reveal

If you don't want to ask directly, you can listen to what your parent has already told you over a lifetime. How do they talk about death? How do they celebrate life? What have they attended? What have they said about services they've been to?

If your mother has always gone to church and sung hymns, she probably wants hymns at her funeral. If your father has always been skeptical about religion and rolled his eyes at services, he probably doesn't want a traditional one. If your parent loves parties and people and gathering, they probably want a big service. If they're quiet and private, they might want something small.

If your parent has always talked about being outdoors, maybe their ashes should be scattered in a place they loved. If they've always been rooted in their community, maybe the service should happen where they spent their life. The clues are there. You just have to listen.

Honoring what they ask for

Once your parent has told you what they want, write it down. Put it somewhere you can find it. Tell other family members. Put it with their important papers. Some people include it in their will or in an advance directive with their healthcare decisions.

When they die, honor what they asked for, even if it's different from what you would choose. Even if you disagree. Even if you think they're making a mistake. This is not your funeral. This is theirs.

If your parent asked for a service with their favorite music and you hate that music, you play it anyway. If they want to be cremated and you think people should be buried, you have them cremated. If they want a celebration of life instead of a traditional funeral, you plan a celebration of life. You set aside your preference because honoring them matters more than being comfortable.

This is also true if your parent has said something that might upset other family members. If your parent has said they want no service, and your sibling is devastated by that decision, you still follow your parent's wishes. You might have a private gathering, but you respect what they asked for.

Planning a funeral with someone while they're alive is a deep conversation. You learn who they are in a new way. You get to give them the last word. And when they're gone, you get to honor them exactly as they wanted. In a world of uncertainty, that's one thing you can get right.

How To Help Your Elders is an informational resource for families working through aging and elder care. We are not medical professionals, attorneys, or financial advisors. The information provided here is for educational purposes and should not replace professional consultation. Every family's situation is unique, and rules, costs, and availability vary by location and circumstance.