Setting boundaries as a caregiver — the skill that saves your life

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

The word "boundaries" gets thrown around a lot in caregiving circles, usually by people who have never had to actually set one while their mother is crying on the other end of the phone. Boundaries sound reasonable in theory. Everyone nods along when someone talks about the importance of self-care and limits. But putting boundaries into practice when you're responsible for another human's wellbeing is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

A boundary is not a wall. It's not rejection or abandonment or unkindness. A boundary is a line you draw around what you can realistically do, what you're willing to do, and what you need in order to sustain your own life while also helping someone you love. It's saying, "I can help with this, but not that." It's saying, "I can do this today, but not every day." It's saying, "I need this from you in order to be able to keep showing up."

The reason boundaries are so hard for caregivers is that they require disappointing someone. They require accepting that you cannot meet all the needs you wish you could meet. They require letting your parent feel sad or frustrated or let down sometimes, and accepting that feeling as the cost of your own survival. Most people become caregivers because they care deeply, and people who care deeply have a very hard time disappointing the people they care about.

But here's what happens without boundaries. Without them, you give and give until there's nothing left to give. You say yes to requests you cannot fulfill. You stay longer than you have capacity to stay. You respond to calls at all hours. You sacrifice your sleep, your work, your relationships, your health. You become resentful and angry and burned out. And eventually, either you collapse completely or you have to set boundaries from a place of crisis rather than from a place of intention.

The Boundaries That Save Your Life

The boundaries that save your life are the ones you set early, clearly, and consistently. They don't have to be harsh. They don't have to be negotiated or explained at length. They just have to be true.

Start by being honest with yourself about your actual capacity. Not what you wish your capacity was. Not what you feel you should be able to handle. Not what would be ideal. Your actual, real-life capacity right now. How many times a week can you realistically visit without it damaging your health or your other relationships? How many phone calls can you take? How many tasks can you handle? How much money can you contribute? How much emotional labor can you provide? Get specific. Not "I'll help when I can," but "I can visit on Thursdays and Saturdays." Not "I'm always here," but "I can take calls between 9 AM and 9 PM."

Write these down. Make them real. Because it's much easier to waffle on a boundary that exists only in your head than it is to waffle on one you've written down.

Then you need to communicate these boundaries. And this is where it gets hard. You probably want to convince your parent that these boundaries make sense, that they should understand, that they should be okay with them. You might be tempted to over-explain, to justify, to provide evidence for why you deserve rest or why you can't do something. Don't do that. The more you explain, the more room you create for negotiation. Your parent will find the weakest point in your argument and work on it. They might not mean to. They might not even realize they're doing it. But caregiving needs often create desperation, and desperation makes people push against limitations.

Instead, communicate your boundary clearly and simply. "I visit on Thursdays and Saturdays" does not require explanation. "I'm not able to call every day, but I'll call on Monday and Friday" is a complete sentence. You don't need to defend it. You don't need to convince them it's reasonable. "I understand this is disappointing, and I'm doing the best I can," is something you can say if they push back, but you don't need to reconsider the boundary itself.

Your parent might respond with sadness or anger or guilt-inducing comments. They might tell you that you're not doing enough, that other children help more, that you don't really love them. These responses will break your heart because you love them and you don't want them to be sad. But their sadness is not your responsibility to fix. Their anger is not your fault. Their guilt is not your burden. You can be compassionate about their feelings and still maintain your boundary.

The Different Types of Boundaries

Some of the most important boundaries are the ones that protect your mental health and your other relationships. If you're going to maintain your marriage while caregiving, you have to set boundaries around how much caregiving eats into your marriage. You have to protect time for your spouse. You have to be willing to tell your parent, "Saturday evening is for my husband and me," and mean it. If you have children, you have to protect time for them. "I need to be present for my kids, so I can't take this evening phone call." If you have a job that's important to you, you have to protect that. "I can't leave work for a non-emergency, and that's not negotiable."

You might need to set boundaries around what kind of help you can provide. Maybe you can help with medical appointments and bill paying, but you can't manage her social calendar. Maybe you can do practical tasks, but you're not available for long conversations about her sadness. Maybe you can help her move, but you're not her emotional therapist. These boundaries aren't selfish. They're honest. And honesty is actually more loving than pretending you can do something you can't.

Some boundaries will need to be adjusted over time. Your capacity changes. Your parent's needs change. Your life circumstances change. A boundary that worked for a year might stop working. Rather than seeing this as a failure, see it as information. You can renegotiate the boundary. "I've realized that weekly visits aren't sustainable right now, so we're going to switch to twice a month. I'm sorry that's disappointing, and I'm being honest about what I can do."

One of the hardest boundaries to set is sometimes the biggest one: you might need to hire help, ask other family members to step up, or consider residential care for your parent. This is a boundary that says, "I cannot do this alone, and I will not try to." It's not failure. It's honesty about human limitation. One person cannot usually provide all the care an aging adult needs and also maintain their own life. Accepting this is not giving up. It's being realistic.

Setting boundaries is also about protecting time for yourself. You don't need to justify this. You don't need to earn it by being perfect. You need time alone, time with people who matter to you, time for hobbies, time for rest. This is not selfish. This is maintaining the capacity to keep showing up. You cannot pour from an empty cup, not just because it's metaphorically true but because it's literally true. If you never rest, you will not have the energy to help your parent. Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of them.

Making Boundaries Real

Boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first. They might feel selfish or mean. You might feel guilty every time you enforce them. This is normal. You were probably raised to believe that boundaries are selfish, that good people always accommodate, that love means saying yes to everything. Unlearning that is hard. But it's necessary.

Start small if you need to. Pick one boundary that feels manageable and practice enforcing it. Notice what happens. Your parent doesn't actually fall apart. The world doesn't end. You don't actually become a bad person. With each boundary you maintain, the next one gets a little easier.

Set your boundaries. Keep them. And trust that you can love your parent while also protecting yourself.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation.