Single caregivers — when it's all on you

Disclaimer: This article is informational only and not a substitute for professional medical, mental health, or social services. If you're struggling with caregiver stress or depression, please reach out to qualified healthcare providers, therapists, or local aging services for support.

There's a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from being the only person. When you're the only one your parent can call, the only one managing their care, the only one making the decisions, the only one who knows where everything is and how everything works, the burden feels different. There's no one to tag in when you're overwhelmed. There's no one to debate a difficult decision with. There's no one to cover for you when you need a break. The responsibility doesn't get lighter because there's someone else to share it with. It all falls on you, every single day.

Single caregivers are often invisible in the conversations about caregiving. We talk about sibling dynamics and family conflict and how caregiving affects marriages. We don't talk as much about what it's like to carry the whole thing alone. And if you're in this position, you already know that it's a specific kind of heavy. It's a weight that doesn't have a break. It's a burden that follows you into every moment of your day, whether you're actively caregiving or not.

The reason it feels so heavy is partly because it is heavy. There's objectively more to manage when you're doing it alone. But it's also heavy in ways that are harder to name. You don't get to complain to another sibling about how tired you are because there's no one to share the complaint with. You don't get the validation that comes from someone else understanding how hard this is because they're going through it too. You don't get to take a day off or even an hour off because there's no one to take over. And you definitely don't get to escape the feeling that if something goes wrong, it's your fault, because you're the only one responsible.

The Isolation of It

What many single caregivers don't anticipate is the loneliness. You're spending a lot of time with your parent, but that's not the same as having someone who understands your experience. Your friends probably don't get it. Your coworkers don't realize you're managing a whole other life outside of work. Your parent, even though they're the center of everything right now, isn't the person you can turn to when you need emotional support about being their caregiver. So you carry it all internally, and that changes something in you over time. You become quieter. You stop talking about the hard parts because people don't understand. You build walls to protect yourself from having to explain again.

There's also a particular kind of pressure when you know that you're it. If you burn out, there's no backup. If you get sick, there's no one to take over. If you reach your limit, your parent doesn't have a plan B. This creates a situation where many single caregivers push themselves far beyond what they probably should, because the alternative feels unthinkable. You can't fall apart. You can't get sick. You can't need anything because there's no one to meet those needs while you're still supposed to be meeting your parent's needs.

This pressure can lead to a kind of hypervigilance where you're always alert to potential problems, always making sure everything is handled, always on guard. It's exhausting to live like this, and it's also hard to turn off even when you're trying to rest because you know that if something happens, you're the only one who can handle it. Your nervous system is stuck in a state of high alert, even when there's no immediate crisis. Even when you're trying to sleep, part of your brain is listening for your parent, waiting for the next thing that will go wrong.

Making Decisions Alone

One of the things that's particularly hard about being the sole caregiver is making big decisions without input from anyone else. Do you move your parent in with you? Do you hire help and if so, what kind? Do you give them medications they resist taking? Do you restrict their activities because you're worried about them? These are big decisions with real consequences, and you're making them by yourself. There's no one to run the options by, no one to help you weigh the pros and cons, no one to share responsibility for the choice.

Some people find that this is actually a relief. You don't have to convince anyone else or compromise or negotiate. You just decide what you think is right and you do it. But most people find that it's isolating in a way that makes the decision feel heavier. You wonder if you're making the right choice. You can't talk it through with someone who also knows your parent and understands the situation. You're just hoping you're doing right by them.

One thing that can help is expanding your decision-making circle in a limited way. This doesn't mean you need a sibling to make decisions with. But you might talk to your parent's doctor, or a social worker, or a trusted friend who knows your parent, or even a therapist who can help you think through the decision. You're still the one making the choice, but you're not doing it in complete isolation. You get to talk it through with someone and think out loud about what feels right.

The Practical Challenges

Being the sole caregiver means you're responsible for all the practical stuff too. You're managing medical appointments and medications and insurance and finances. You're coordinating any paid help if you have it. You're the person the hospital calls. You're the emergency contact. All of this is stuff that could potentially be shared if you had siblings or family who were involved, but it's all on you.

This takes time and attention and mental energy that's just constant. Even when you're not actively caregiving, you're thinking about all the things that need to be managed. You're worrying about whether you've handled everything. You're thinking about what might go wrong next. There's a running list in your head at all times, and that list never stops. It wakes you up in the middle of the night sometimes. It's there when you're trying to concentrate at work. It's there when you're trying to enjoy a moment with friends.

If you're able to afford it, one of the best things you can do for yourself is outsource some of this. Hire a geriatric care manager to help coordinate services. Set up automatic payments and reminders so you're not manually managing everything. Use online systems to organize information. These things cost money, but they might be worth it for your mental health and for your ability to keep going.

Finding Your People

One of the most important things a single caregiver can do is actively find people to support them. This might not be family, and that's okay. It might be a support group for caregivers, either in person or online. It might be a therapist or counselor. It might be close friends who you let in on what you're going through. It might be your parent's community, the people who care about them, who can provide emotional support to you even if they're not helping with the actual caregiving.

You don't have to do this entirely alone, even if there's no one else in the family who's stepping up. You can build a support system that's made up of professionals and friends and other caregivers who understand. You can tell people how hard this is. You can ask for specific kinds of help, even if it's not the hands-on caregiving kind. You can accept offers of meals or companionship or someone to listen. These small supports add up. They remind you that you're not completely alone, even though you're the only one directly responsible for your parent.

The Permission You Need

If you're a single caregiver, you probably need to hear this: it's okay that it's hard. It's okay that you're tired. It's okay that you're angry sometimes or that you resent the burden. It's okay that you feel isolated. It's okay that you can't do this forever at the level you're doing it right now. None of these things make you a bad caregiver or a bad person. They make you human, dealing with a situation that's genuinely difficult.

You also don't have to do this perfectly. You don't have to be available at all times. You don't have to anticipate every problem. You don't have to have all the answers. You can set boundaries. You can say no. You can ask for help and support, even if there's no one else in the family to give it to you.

And maybe most importantly, you're allowed to recognize that being the single caregiver doesn't mean you're responsible for fixing everything or for your parent's happiness or for how things turn out. You're responsible for showing up and doing your best, and that's enough. It has to be enough, because anything more than that is asking you to be more than human.

Disclaimer: This article provides general information for single caregivers. If you're experiencing caregiver burnout, depression, anxiety, or crisis, please reach out to mental health professionals, social services, or crisis support resources. You don't have to carry this alone.