This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

When a Family Member Is the Abuser — The Hardest Situation

The hardest situation is when the person abusing your parent isn't a stranger or a con artist. It's someone your parent loves and trusts. It's a child, a grandchild, a sibling, a spouse, someone with access to your parent's home and finances. Someone your parent sees regularly. Someone your parent is unlikely to suspect or report. Someone your parent might actively protect, even when they're being harmed.

Family financial abuse is different from stranger scams. It's personal. It's complicated by relationships and history and love. Your parent might not see it as abuse. Your parent might rationalize it as helping the family member, or might be ashamed that a family member is taking advantage of them. Your parent might be financially dependent on that family member and afraid to report the abuse because it might result in losing their housing or care.

If you suspect a family member is financially abusing your parent, you're facing one of the most difficult situations possible. You have to protect your parent while dealing with complicated family dynamics, potential legal issues, and your own feelings about the family member involved.

Understanding the Basics

Family financial abuse can look like many things. A family member with power of attorney who makes decisions that benefit themselves more than your parent. A family member who lives with your parent and controls access to your parent's money under the guise of helping them manage it. A family member who takes money from your parent as a "loan" that never gets repaid. A family member who pressures your parent to change their will. A family member who spends your parent's money on themselves while your parent struggles with basic needs.

The abuse might be active or passive. Someone actively taking money is obvious. Someone preventing your parent from accessing their own money, or isolating your parent from other family members who might notice the abuse, is more subtle but equally harmful.

The family member might not even consciously think of it as abuse. They might believe they deserve the money because they're helping with your parent's care. They might believe they should inherit it anyway, so taking it now is just getting what's coming to them. They might have rationalized it so completely that they don't see themselves as a thief.

Your parent might collude in the abuse, either consciously or unconsciously. Your parent might have told a child "You can have the house when I die," and now that child is assuming they should be able to make decisions about the house or to not contribute to its upkeep because they're going to inherit it anyway. Your parent might feel guilty about a difficult relationship with the family member and be trying to compensate through money. Your parent might be afraid of the family member and complying with their demands.

Your Parent's Specific Situation

Is your parent dependent on the family member? Does that family member provide housing, care, food, transportation? If your parent is dependent, reporting the abuse might mean losing their home or care, which makes your parent afraid to speak up. Your parent might accept financial abuse because the alternative is worse.

Is your parent aware of the abuse? Some parents are keenly aware that a family member is taking advantage of them. Some parents don't fully recognize it as abuse. Some parents know it's happening but are ashamed and don't want to admit it to other family members.

How isolated is your parent from other family? If only one family member is in contact with your parent, that family member can hide the abuse. If multiple family members are involved in your parent's life, abuse is harder to hide.

What's your parent's mental state? If your parent is developing dementia or cognitive decline, they're more vulnerable and might not recognize that they're being taken advantage of. They might also not be able to report the abuse coherently.

Does your parent have other resources? Does your parent have other family members to turn to? Does your parent have friends, a minister, a counselor, someone outside the family who your parent trusts?

What legal documents has your parent signed? Has your parent given someone power of attorney? Has your parent changed their will? Has your parent signed documents giving away property? The legal documents tell you what authority the family member has claimed.

Taking Next Steps

If you suspect a family member is abusing your parent financially, your first step is gathering information. Get copies of your parent's financial statements if possible. Look for patterns. Who has access to the accounts? What transactions are happening? Is your parent's money being spent on your parent's needs, or on someone else's?

Talk to your parent directly and gently. "Mom, I'm concerned about how money is being managed. Can you tell me about your finances?" Listen to what your parent says. Your parent might be afraid to admit what's happening. Your parent might minimize it. Your parent might get defensive if the family member is someone they want to protect. Gentle listening is better than accusations.

Talk to other family members who are aware of the situation. You're not looking for drama or gossip. You're looking for information and potential allies. If multiple people are concerned, addressing the problem becomes easier.

Document everything. If you have access to your parent's financial information, keep careful records. Take screenshots of account statements. Keep copies of checks or withdrawals. Build a factual record of what's happening.

If your parent has legal capacity, help them understand their options. Your parent can revoke power of attorney. Your parent can change their will. Your parent can file a report with Adult Protective Services. Your parent can contact the police. Your parent has options, but your parent has to be willing to exercise them.

If the family member is the one managing your parent's care, you might need to find alternative care arrangements before your parent can safely report the abuse. If your parent is afraid of losing housing or food or medical care, they won't feel safe reporting. Addressing those needs first makes reporting possible.

If your parent doesn't have legal capacity to make decisions, you might need to go through guardianship or conservatorship proceedings. These are legal processes where a court appoints someone (often a family member, but potentially someone outside the family) to manage your parent's affairs. It's complicated and expensive, but sometimes it's necessary to protect your parent.

Contact Adult Protective Services in your parent's area if you believe your parent is being abused. You can often report anonymously. APS will investigate and can intervene to protect your parent.

Contact law enforcement if crimes have been committed. Financial abuse is theft. It might also be fraud, elder abuse, or other crimes depending on the circumstances.

If you're the one concerned about this situation, it's emotionally difficult. You have to balance protecting your parent with dealing with the family member. You might have to make choices that damage family relationships in order to protect your parent. That's okay. Your parent's safety matters more than family peace when those are in conflict.

If you're the one accused of abusing your parent, this is a moment to take seriously. Financial abuse is a crime. It's also a violation of trust. If you're in a situation where you're taking money from your parent or making financial decisions that benefit you more than your parent, you need to stop and get help. There are therapists and counselors who can help you understand what's happening and make better choices.

Family financial abuse is one of the most common forms of elder abuse precisely because it happens within relationships where abuse is trusted not to happen. Recognizing it, naming it, and taking action to stop it is one of the most important things you can do to protect your parent.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. If you are concerned about a loved one's cognitive health or safety, consult with their healthcare provider or contact your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance and support.