When siblings disagree about legal authority

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

Your mother had a stroke. She's in the hospital. Your brother called and said he'd been named as healthcare power of attorney and was going to make decisions about her medical care. You were shocked. You're the one who's been helping her with medical appointments. You're the one who knows her values. You thought you'd be the one making medical decisions. But you can't. Your brother has the legal authority, and you don't.

Or your father signed documents naming you as his financial power of attorney. Your sister is furious. She says you're going to cheat your parents and take their money. She's threatening to go to court to challenge the power of attorney. She's telling other family members not to trust you. You're not trying to cheat anyone. Your father chose you because you're the one with financial expertise. But now you're dealing with family conflict on top of managing your parent's affairs.

Family conflict around legal authority happens often. Sometimes one sibling thinks a different sibling should have been named. Sometimes siblings disagree about what your parent would want. Sometimes one sibling is trying to control another sibling's authority. Sometimes there's years of family tension surfacing around the legal documents.

This is a miserable situation to be in. You're trying to help your parent. You're dealing with a legal role that comes with responsibility. And you're also dealing with family conflict that makes everything harder. Understanding how to handle this situation helps you protect yourself, protect your parent, and maybe preserve your relationship with your sibling.

Understanding the Basics

Legal authority comes from documents. If you're the healthcare power of attorney, you have authority over medical decisions because the documents say so. If your sibling is the financial power of attorney, they have authority over finances because the documents say so. What documents say matters more than what you want or what your sibling wants.

The person named in the documents has authority. That person is legally responsible for acting in your parent's best interest. If another person thinks the person named in the documents is not acting appropriately, they have recourse. They can ask the court to investigate. They can ask the court to remove the person from power. They can petition the court to appoint a guardian or conservator instead. But the person named in the documents has the authority unless and until the court removes them.

This means that if your sibling is the healthcare power of attorney, they get to make medical decisions. If you disagree with their decisions, you can't just override them. You can ask them to reconsider. You can suggest a different approach. You can ask your parent's doctor to discuss the options. But ultimately, your sibling has the authority.

This also means that if your sibling is making decisions you think are bad decisions, or if you think your sibling is acting in their own interest rather than your parent's interest, you have the option of going to court. But going to court is expensive and puts your family through a legal proceeding. It's usually the last resort, not the first.

The documents can address some of these conflicts before they happen. A healthcare power of attorney document might name one person as the primary agent and another person as a backup. A financial power of attorney might require the agent to consult with others before making certain decisions. The documents can require accountings or reporting. But most documents are simpler than that. Most name one person and give them authority.

When siblings disagree, the disagreement often stems from different expectations. Maybe both siblings thought they'd be named. Maybe both siblings thought they should have authority. Maybe one sibling doesn't respect the other sibling's ability to handle the role. Maybe there's old family conflict surfacing. The legal documents create a structure, but the underlying conflict is about something deeper.

Your Parent's Specific Situation

If you're the sibling without authority and you disagree with the decisions the named sibling is making, you have options. You can ask your parent to update the documents to give you more authority. If your parent still has capacity, they can create new documents that name you or that change how authority is shared. But your parent has to agree.

You can also ask your sibling to be more collaborative. If your parent is hospitalized and your sibling is making medical decisions, you could ask your sibling to discuss decisions with you. You could ask to be included in conversations with the doctors. Many siblings work out an arrangement where the named person has the legal authority but the decisions are made collaboratively with input from other family members. This isn't legally required, but many families do it anyway.

You can ask that the healthcare provider or financial institution involve multiple family members. Some providers will hold meetings with family members to discuss care or financial decisions. This doesn't change who has legal authority, but it does allow for input from others.

If you think your sibling is acting in their own interest rather than your parent's interest, or if you think your sibling is acting against your parent's wishes, you can ask for accounting. A financial power of attorney is required to keep records and can be asked to account for how they spent money. A healthcare power of attorney should be following your parent's wishes. If they're not, and if your parent still has capacity, your parent can object.

If your sibling is truly misusing authority, you can involve the court. This usually requires an attorney and involves petitioning the court to investigate. It's expensive and puts your family through a legal proceeding. But if your parent is being harmed, it might be necessary.

If you're the sibling with authority and another sibling is questioning your decisions, you have different considerations. You have legal responsibility to act in your parent's best interest. You should document your decisions. You should keep records if it's financial authority. You should explain your reasoning if your sibling questions your decisions. You might want to involve an attorney if the questioning escalates, just to protect yourself.

You can also invite collaboration. Even though you have the legal authority, you don't have to act unilaterally. You can include your siblings in conversations. You can ask for their input. Many people with legal authority choose to involve others anyway, partly to prevent exactly this kind of conflict.

If you're the parent making these decisions about who gets authority, you can prevent some of these conflicts by being clear. If you name one child as healthcare power of attorney and another as financial power of attorney, make sure they both understand the arrangement. If you want decisions made collaboratively, say so in the document. If you name one person as the primary agent and another as backup, be clear about what that means. Having clear documents helps prevent family conflict.

Taking Next Steps

If you're dealing with a disagreement with a sibling about legal authority, try to have a direct conversation with them first. Don't go to other family members. Don't try to undermine the other sibling. Just talk directly. You might say something like, "I know you're the healthcare power of attorney. I'm concerned about some of the decisions being made. Can we talk about what you're thinking?"

Listen to your sibling's perspective. Your sibling might have information you don't have. Your sibling might explain their reasoning. You might understand why they made the decisions they did. Or you might still disagree. But having the conversation is important.

If direct conversation doesn't work, consider involving a neutral person. Some families involve their parent's physician or other professionals to discuss medical decisions. Some involve a financial advisor to discuss financial decisions. A neutral third party might be able to help bridge the disagreement.

If you think your sibling is misusing authority, you might involve an attorney. An attorney can advise you on whether you have grounds for court involvement and what that would look like. But be aware that involving the court is expensive and puts your family through a legal proceeding.

If you're the sibling with authority and you're being questioned, document your decisions. Keep records. Be able to explain your reasoning. If the questioning escalates, consult with an attorney to understand your rights and responsibilities.

If you're the parent and you see conflict coming, address it before documents are signed. Talk with your children about the arrangements you're making. Explain why you chose who you chose. If you want collaborative decision-making, put that in the documents. If you're clear about your wishes, it's harder for conflict to arise.

If your parent has already lost capacity, and siblings are in conflict about how to proceed, you might need court involvement to resolve it. This is why having clear documents that reflect your parent's wishes, completed while your parent still had capacity, matters. The documents provide guidance about what your parent wanted, which can help resolve conflicts.

Most families work through these disagreements. Even if there's initial conflict, many families find a way to collaborate in their parent's best interest. The key is not letting the conflict prevent you from helping your parent. Your parent still needs care. Your parent still needs help. Whether the authority is held by one sibling or shared among siblings, the goal is your parent's wellbeing.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. If you are concerned about a loved one's cognitive health or safety, consult with their healthcare provider or contact your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance and support.