When siblings won't help — managing unequal caregiving

This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family situation is different, and you should consult with appropriate professionals about your specific circumstances.

You're the responsible one. You always have been. So when your parent needs care, everyone assumes it will be you. Your siblings have their own lives, they say. They're busier, they say. They don't have the kind of relationship with your parent that you do, they say. And before you quite realize what's happened, you're the sole caregiver, and you're burning out while your siblings remain spectators to your exhaustion.

The resentment that builds in this situation is enormous and justified. You're angry at your siblings for not helping. You're angry at your parent for accepting the help from only you when other options exist. You're angry at yourself for continuing to say yes when saying no would force someone else to step up. And beneath all of that anger is usually a deep well of loneliness. You're handling this alone, and nobody seems to understand how hard it is because they're not doing it.

The unequal caregiving situation is one of the most painful aspects of being a family caregiver. It's not just that you're doing all the work. It's that your siblings' absence feels like a statement. It feels like they don't care as much. It feels like they don't think your parent is their responsibility. It feels like you're the unlucky one who got stuck with this burden, and everyone else just gets to live their life normally.

Understanding Your Siblings' Absence

Here's what's often true: your siblings probably are living differently than you. They probably aren't thinking about your parent's doctor appointments. They probably aren't the first call when something goes wrong. They probably haven't had to rearrange their entire life around caregiving. But this doesn't mean they don't care. It often means something more complicated is happening.

Some siblings genuinely cannot help due to circumstances. They live far away, or they have significant health issues of their own, or they're dealing with mental health challenges, or they have young children, or they have financial instability. These are real barriers. But sometimes we assume barriers exist when they don't. Sometimes we're so focused on our own overwhelming situation that we don't actually ask our siblings if they could help. And sometimes they don't offer because they're uncomfortable, they don't know how, or they're in denial about how bad things have gotten.

Some siblings have a different kind of relationship with your parent. Maybe they were closer to your other parent who has passed. Maybe there's trauma in the relationship. Maybe they had a different experience of your parent's parenting. This doesn't obligate them to care less, but it does mean they might relate to the situation differently than you do. You may feel connected to your parent in a way they don't, and that's not something that can be argued or reasoned into existence.

Some siblings genuinely expect you to handle it. They might be working from old family narratives. Maybe you were always the dependable one. Maybe your siblings learned a long time ago that they could leave things to you. Maybe they're simply not thinking about it much at all. Not because they're bad people, but because it's not their burden, and humans are sometimes shockingly good at not thinking about things that aren't their immediate problem.

And some siblings are selfish, plain and simple. They could help and they choose not to. They prioritize their own comfort over your exhaustion. They're perfectly fine with you sacrificing yourself so they don't have to. This is infuriating and unjust, and if this is your situation, the resentment you feel is not only valid but completely understandable.

The Problem With Resentment Alone

The problem is, the resentment alone won't change anything. Your siblings don't wake up one day and decide to help because you're angry. Sometimes they don't even realize how much you're drowning because you've gotten so good at managing everything that the crisis isn't visible on the surface.

This is where it gets hard, because the only thing that will change the situation is some kind of conversation or action on your part. You have to be willing to ask for help directly. Not hinting. Not sighing heavily about how much you're doing. Directly asking. "I need you to take Dad to his doctor appointment on the 15th," or "I need you to contribute to paying for Mom's medication," or "I need you to sit with Mom on Thursday evenings so I can have time off."

This is terrifying because your siblings might say no. They might make excuses. They might offer half measures that don't actually help. They might get defensive. And you'll have the painful experience of knowing explicitly that they're choosing not to help, rather than just suspecting it.

But here's what often happens when you directly ask: sometimes they actually say yes. Sometimes they had no idea you were drowning. Sometimes they feel guilty but didn't know how to offer without imposing. Sometimes they just needed someone to make it concrete and simple for them.

And sometimes they say no, and that's the information you need to make a different decision. If your siblings won't help, then you need to figure out a different solution. That might be hiring paid help. That might be asking your parent to move closer to you or to a facility where their needs can be met. That might be being honest that you cannot do this alone and finding alternative arrangements.

What Comes Next

The key is that you stop silently accepting the role of sole caregiver. You make your needs explicit, and you're willing to let other people be uncomfortable with your boundaries. If your siblings don't help, then you have to help yourself by making different arrangements. You're not responsible for managing their comfort about the situation.

There's often guilt attached to this. You feel like you're being difficult. You feel like you're putting them in a bad position. But they're the ones choosing not to help their aging parent. You're the one trying to figure out how to sustain this situation without destroying yourself. Their discomfort is genuinely not your problem to solve.

One important piece of this: make sure your parent is not the messenger. Don't ask your parent to pressure your siblings into helping. That puts your parent in an impossible position and usually backfires. You're the adult having the conversation with your siblings about adult responsibilities. Your parent shouldn't be involved in that negotiation.

It also helps to get clear about what would actually be helpful. Your siblings might offer something that seems useless to you, but it's better than nothing. Maybe your sibling who lives far away can't visit, but they could take over some of the financial arrangements. Maybe the sibling who's busy can't do regular care but could manage the meal planning. Maybe someone can take over one small thing that would actually give you meaningful relief. You don't have to accept every offer, but be open to the things that would actually help.

Sometimes the conversation happens and things improve. Sometimes it happens and they improve a little bit. Sometimes it happens and nothing changes, which tells you that you need to stop counting on these siblings and find other solutions.

In the meantime, you have to grieve. You have to grieve the siblings who aren't stepping up. You have to grieve the idea that this would be a shared responsibility and a shared burden. You have to grieve the fantasy that everyone would recognize how hard this is and rally around you. This grief is legitimate, and it takes time.

But you also have to protect yourself. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If your siblings won't help, then your job is not to convince them or to manage their guilt or to make it easier for them to stay uninvolved. Your job is to find a sustainable way forward that doesn't require you to sacrifice your health and your life.

You deserve help. You deserve support. If your siblings won't provide it, then that's information about your siblings, not information about you. You're not failing. You're not doing something wrong. You're just being forced to solve a problem that should never have been yours alone to solve.

How To Help Your Elders is an educational resource. We do not provide medical, legal, or financial advice. The information in this article is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation.