When they die — what happens immediately after

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Always consult with qualified professionals regarding your specific situation.

The moments after someone dies are strange. The body is still warm. Your parent still looks like your parent. But something has completely changed. The person is gone and the body remains, and for a little while, you exist in the space between those two things. Understanding what happens next—the logistics, the steps, the choices—helps you move through this time with some clarity, even as grief is moving through you.

There's no emergency. People sometimes think that when someone dies, you need to rush. You don't. Your parent is not in pain. They're not in distress. There's time. You have hours to sit with them if you want to. Hours to say final goodbyes. Hours to let family arrive and say their goodbyes. Hours to prepare yourself for what comes next.

The first moments after

The body may twitch or shudder in the minutes after death. The jaw might drop slightly. There might be a release of urine or stool. These are involuntary reflexes of the body in the absence of the nervous system controlling them. They're completely normal and not at all distressing, though they can be startling if you're not expecting them.

The body will cool gradually. Your parent's skin will become pale. The face often becomes peaceful in a way it might not have been even in life. This peaceful expression is one of the gifts of a good hospice death.

If your parent's eyes are open, you can gently close them if you want to. They may stay open or pop open again. Either way is fine. Some families close them. Some leave them open. There's no right way.

You can hold your parent. You can kiss them. You can cry. You can sit in silence. You can call other family members to come be in the room. You can do whatever you need to do to begin processing that your parent is gone.

Calling hospice or the facility

If your parent died at home with hospice, you will call hospice first. You don't need to call 911. You don't need to call the police. There's no emergency. Hospice expects this call. The hospice team will come to your home and verify death. They'll pronounce your parent dead officially. They'll handle all of the first steps.

If your parent died in a facility,a nursing home, hospice facility, hospital,the staff handles this for you. They verify death. They document it. They call the funeral home if you've already chosen one, or they give you options.

Hospice or facility staff will explain what happens next. What paperwork needs to be signed. When the funeral home will come. Whether you can have time alone with your parent before the body is transported.

What happens to the body

The body will be treated with respect and care. If you've chosen a funeral home, they'll send staff to transport your parent there. The transport usually happens gently. Your parent will be placed on a stretcher, covered with a sheet, and transported respectfully.

If you haven't chosen a funeral home yet, hospice or the facility can give you names and options. You can call a few and ask about their services and costs. This is a decision you might want to make before death if possible, so you're not making it in the shock of the immediate aftermath.

You can be present while the body is being transported. You can follow the ambulance to the funeral home if you want. You can say goodbye to your parent's body again there if that helps you. Or you can say goodbye at home and let the funeral home handle the rest. Whatever serves your grief, that's what you should do.

At the funeral home, the staff will treat your parent's body with care and respect. They'll ask you what you want for the funeral or memorial service. What kind of casket or urn. Whether you want an open casket. What kind of service. Whether you want viewing. All of these decisions you'll make in the coming days, but you can start thinking about them now.

Financial logistics

The funeral home will give you a price list for their services. There will be a basic service fee, transportation fees, costs for casket or urn, costs for burial or cremation, costs for memorial services. These fees can add up quickly. If cost is a concern, you can ask about the funeral home's cheapest options. You can choose cremation instead of burial to save money. You can choose a direct cremation with no service. You can have a memorial service that you conduct yourself instead of using the funeral home's service. There are always options.

If your parent had a will or funeral prearrangements, check what they left for you. Some people pay for their funeral ahead of time. Some leave money specifically for this purpose. Check documents. Ask your parent's bank if there are any accounts designated for funeral costs.

Look into whether your parent was a veteran. The Veterans Administration offers funeral benefits. Look into whether they had any group insurance through work that might cover funeral costs. Check what their estate can cover.

You don't have to spend a lot of money to honor your parent's memory. You can have an inexpensive service. You can skip traditional funeral practices. You can cremate your parent and scatter their ashes in a place they loved. You can have a simple gathering of family. You can do whatever feels right to you and to your family.

Your first hours after

In the hours after your parent's death, you'll be in shock. Your nervous system will probably feel strange,numb or tingly or very tired. You might feel like you're watching yourself from outside your body. This is normal. Your body and mind are protecting you from the full weight of grief by keeping you partly numb.

Someone should help you with the details. A family member, a close friend. Someone who can help with phone calls, with food, with sitting beside you. You shouldn't be alone. You shouldn't have to make decisions alone.

Eat something, even if you don't feel hungry. Drink water. These small physical acts ground you when everything feels unreal.

Write down the hospice or facility phone number, the funeral home phone number, the name of the hospice nurse or the person at the facility who was coordinating care. You'll need these numbers. You'll be grateful they're written down so you don't have to remember them.

Tell people. Call close family. Let them tell others. You don't have to make all the phone calls yourself. Give one person the job of calling, and they'll create a chain that reaches everyone who needs to know.

In the days ahead

Depending on your parent's religion and your family's traditions, there will be rituals to perform. Some families sit shiva. Some hold a wake. Some have a funeral service. Some do all of these. Some skip them. You get to decide what your family does.

The funeral home can help you organize a service if you want one. You can choose the music, the readings, the order of service. You can ask people to speak. You can display photos. You can set the tone for how you want to remember and honor your parent.

Or you can do something simpler. A memorial gathering. A dinner with close family. A walk through your parent's favorite place, scattering ashes. Your grief, your way.

The important thing in these first hours and days is to let yourself feel what you feel, to let people help you, and to know that this shock will eventually wear off and sadness will take its place. That's the next chapter. But for now, you're in the immediate aftermath. Be gentle with yourself. Let people care for you. Your parent is gone, and you're still here. That's real. That's the fact you're learning to live with now.

How To Help Your Elders is an informational resource for families working through aging and elder care. We are not medical professionals, attorneys, or financial advisors. The information provided here is for educational purposes and should not replace professional consultation. Every family's situation is unique, and rules, costs, and availability vary by location and circumstance.