When they won't talk about it — respecting their limits while protecting their interests

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or financial advice. Always consult with qualified professionals regarding your specific situation.

You've tried. You've asked gently. You've brought it up at different times. You've tried to make it safe. But every time you mention end-of-life planning, your mother changes the subject. Your father gets angry. Your parent shuts down. You're left wondering: do I keep pushing, or do I respect this refusal? How do I protect their interests if they won't tell me what they want?

This tension is real. You want to honor their autonomy. You don't want to be the family member who pushes people around their sickbed or ignores what they're telling you about their boundaries. But you also know that if something happens to them and you don't know what they want, you'll have to make guesses that might be wrong. You'll be left with guilt and regret.

The answer isn't black and white. There are things you can do to respect their refusal while still protecting their interests. It requires accepting that you might never have the conversation you want, and finding ways to move forward anyway.

Different Reasons for Silence

People refuse to talk about death and dying for different reasons, and the approach changes depending on why.

Some people are in denial. They know they're aging, they know they're mortal, but they've managed this knowledge by not thinking about it. Talking about it makes it too real. Pushing them to talk doesn't change their mind—it just makes them anxious and defensive. For someone in denial, time sometimes helps. A health scare might crack the denial. A friend's death might make it real in a new way. Or they might die in denial, and you'll have to live with never knowing their wishes.

Some people are genuinely terrified. They're not in denial so much as frozen. The thought of death triggers such anxiety that they can't approach it. The conversation feels dangerous, like it might cause them to fall apart. For someone in terror, pushing doesn't help. They need a sense of safety first. They might need to work with a therapist or chaplain before they can engage with the topic.

Some people are operating from cultural or religious beliefs that make these conversations taboo. In some traditions, talking about death is bad luck. In some cultures, discussing death is disrespectful or inappropriate. In some religions, the focus is on faith and God's will, and planning might suggest lack of faith. For someone with these beliefs, having the conversation anyway might feel wrong to them, even if you explain the practical reasons.

Some people are simply private and don't want to talk about intimate things with their children. Their illness is their business. How they die is their business. The respect they want is to be left alone. For someone like this, pushing damages the relationship.

Some people are depressed or in crisis and can't think straight. They're not refusing from principle; they're overwhelmed. If this is the case, wait until things stabilize. The conversation doesn't have to happen today.

What You Can Do Anyway

Even if someone won't talk to you, there are things you can do to protect their interests.

The most important is to encourage them to create documents. You don't have to have a conversation about what they want. You can just say, "It's important to have an advance directive. Would you be willing to fill one out?" Some people who won't talk about death will fill out a form if there's no conversation attached. The form creates a record of their wishes without the emotionally loaded discussion.

If they'll talk to a lawyer but not to you, that's fine. Many people find it easier to discuss legal matters with a professional than with family. You can suggest that they meet with an elder law attorney or an estate planning attorney to create an advance directive, a healthcare power of attorney, and a will. They don't have to tell you what's in these documents. But at least something exists.

If they'll talk to their doctor but not to you, that's also valuable. You can suggest that they have a conversation with their doctor about what they would want if they became very ill. The doctor can document this in the medical record. It's not as good as knowing directly, but it's better than nothing.

You can also reach out to their doctor yourself, if they're willing, and ask about their values. "My mother won't talk to me about what she'd want if she got very sick. Do you have a sense of what's important to her? What matters to her?" A good doctor who's known someone for years might be able to offer insight.

Understanding Values Through Past Choices

Even without direct conversation, you can understand something about what your loved one values by looking at the choices they've made.

Think about how they've lived. Have they always chosen independence, or do they rely on family? Have they been focused on productivity and achievement, or on relationships and presence? Have they been religious, or secular? Have they pursued aggressive treatment for other illnesses, or preferred to avoid the medical system? Have they talked about being a burden, or have they always felt entitled to ask for help?

Think about the conversations they have had with you. Maybe they've never said, "If I have a stroke, I want..." but they've said things like, "I never want to be in a nursing home" or "I want to die at home" or "I can't stand being dependent on anyone." These comments are clues. They tell you something about what matters to them.

Think about who they've chosen to trust. Who do they talk to when they're worried or scared? That person might be able to help you understand what they're thinking, even if they won't talk to you about it.

Think about what frightens them. If your mother has always been terrified of dementia, that tells you something about what she might fear at the end of life. If your father has been resistant to medications and procedures, that tells you something. These fears and resistances are data.

This isn't perfect. You might get it wrong. But it's better than nothing.

Making Decisions Without Their Input

If something happens and your parent can't speak for themselves, and you don't have written wishes, you'll have to make decisions as their healthcare proxy. The standard is to use "substituted judgment"—to make the decision you believe they would have made.

You'll do this imperfectly. You'll second-guess yourself. You'll wonder if you got it right. But you'll use everything you know about them to make the best decision you can. And you'll remind yourself that you did the best you could with incomplete information.

Some decisions will be easier than others. If your father always said he'd never want a feeding tube, you won't put in a feeding tube. If your mother always said she wanted to be at home, you'll work toward keeping her at home. But other decisions might be murky, and you'll just have to do your best.

What helps is consulting with the medical team. Talk to the doctors about what they would recommend. Talk to the palliative care team about what comfort looks like. Ask for a chaplain or social worker to help you think through the decision. You don't have to know their wishes perfectly. You just have to make the most respectful decision you can based on what you know.

Respecting the No

At some point, you might need to accept that they're not going to talk about this. You've tried. You've asked. You've offered different openings. They've said no. That's their right.

What you do then is grieve the conversation you won't have, and move forward with what you can do. You get an advance directive filled out for yourself. You get your own wishes documented. You talk to your siblings about how you'll make decisions if something happens. You do what you can to be prepared, and you accept that you might not know everything you want to know.

And you let go of the guilt. You tried. You're not responsible for forcing someone to have a conversation they don't want. You're responsible for doing your best with the information you have.

The Kindest Thing

The kindest thing you can do for someone who won't talk about death is to accept their refusal and move forward anyway. Not with anger or punishment. Not by saying, "Well, if something happens, don't blame me." Just with quiet preparation and the knowledge that you've respected their autonomy while still trying to protect their interests.

If they change their mind later and do want to talk, you'll be ready. If they don't, you'll have done what you could. And that's enough.

How To Help Your Elders is an informational resource for families working through aging and elder care. We are not medical professionals, attorneys, or financial advisors. The information provided here is for educational purposes and should not replace professional consultation. Every family's situation is unique, and rules, costs, and availability vary by location and circumstance.