When to change doctors — recognizing a bad fit

This article provides guidance for recognizing when a doctor-patient relationship isn't working. Changing doctors is a reasonable option when communication breaks down or care concerns exist. Always work toward finding a doctor who is the right fit for your elder.

There's a tension many adult children feel when thinking about changing doctors. Your parent has been seeing Dr. Smith for ten years. He's the family doctor. But lately your mother seems frustrated. Her concerns aren't being listened to. Her questions go unanswered. The doctor seems rushed. Nothing terrible has happened, but something feels wrong.

When is changing doctors the right decision? This question doesn't have a bright line answer. But there are warning signs that suggest a change might be necessary.

The most important warning sign is when your elder feels unheard. If they tell the doctor about a symptom and the doctor dismisses it without investigation, that's problematic. If they ask a question and the doctor changes the subject without answering, that's a red flag. If they feel rushed and don't have space to express concerns, the relationship isn't working well.

Your elder should feel respected in their doctor's office. This doesn't mean the doctor has to agree with everything they say. But they should listen seriously, investigate genuine concerns, and explain their reasoning.

Communication is essential. A good doctor listens more than they talk at the start of a visit. They ask questions. They summarize what they've heard to make sure they understand. They explain diagnoses and treatments in ways your elder can understand. They invite questions. They follow up.

A bad fit is when the doctor just tells your elder what to do without explanation or input. When your elder leaves confused about what they're being treated for or why. When they're afraid to ask questions because the doctor seems impatient.

Another warning sign is when treatment isn't working and the doctor refuses to reconsider. If your elder has been on a medication for six months and is still experiencing the original symptom, a good doctor talks about changing approaches. A doctor who just says to keep taking it without investigation might not be the right fit.

A third warning sign is when the doctor is inappropriate. This might include unprofessional behavior, judgmental comments about your elder's health choices, inappropriate questions, or any form of inappropriate conduct. If your elder feels uncomfortable or unsafe, that's a clear signal to change doctors.

A fourth warning sign is inconsistent or uncoordinated care. If your elder has multiple doctors and they don't communicate with each other, that's problematic. If the doctor doesn't seem to know your elder's history, that's problematic. A good primary care doctor should know your elder, their conditions, their medications, their preferences.

Lack of cultural competence is another issue. If your elder's doctor seems to make assumptions based on ethnicity, age, gender, or other characteristics without listening to your elder's individual situation, that's not good medicine. Good doctors treat individuals, not stereotypes.

Sometimes the fit changes over time. A doctor who was good might retire, become less engaged, or practice in ways that no longer work for your elder. Change is reasonable.

Age and capability matter in the change decision. If your elder is very frail or in a facility, changing doctors might be complicated. But in general, if the fit is bad, changing is reasonable.

The process of changing doctors starts with your elder deciding they want to change. You can encourage this conversation if you think change would help, but the decision should be your elder's. Forcing a doctor change when your elder is attached to their doctor rarely works well.

Finding a new doctor requires some research. Ask for recommendations. Check whether your elder's insurance includes potential doctors. Verify the doctor is accepting new patients. Ask about their approach to care, their communication style, how they handle questions. Some doctors offer initial consultations. Some don't.

Transferring medical records from the old doctor to the new one is important. The new doctor needs your elder's history. Sometimes the old doctor's office is resistant to transferring records. They shouldn't be. By law, they must provide records if requested. You might need to specifically request this in writing.

The transition happens gradually. Your elder doesn't have to fire the old doctor before finding a new one. They can see the new doctor for evaluation and see how it feels. If it's a good fit, they can transition over time. If it's not, they can go back to the old doctor and try someone else.

Some doctors take it personally if patients leave. They might try to convince your elder they're making a mistake. Some might become defensive. This is uncomfortable, but your elder's health and satisfaction are more important than the doctor's feelings.

After changing doctors, there might be an adjustment period. A new doctor might want to re-examine your elder, run some tests, or rethink medications. This is normal as they establish their own assessment. Give it time before deciding if this doctor is a good fit.

Sometimes your elder tries a new doctor and decides they prefer the old one. That's okay. Sometimes the first change isn't the right one, and more searching is needed. This is a process. Eventually finding a good fit usually happens.

Your role is supporting your elder in this transition. Help them recognize when a fit is bad. Encourage them to prioritize their own comfort and satisfaction. Help them research options. Help them manage the practical aspects of changing doctors. But let them make the decision.

A good doctor-patient relationship is worth the effort to find.

If your elder expresses dissatisfaction with their doctor or if you observe warning signs that the relationship isn't working, discuss whether changing doctors might help. Support your elder in finding a doctor who listens, explains clearly, and provides coordinated care. Remember that your elder's comfort and satisfaction with their doctor matters for their health and wellbeing.